My Birthday Is A Reminder That I’ve Won Against My Mental Illness For Another Year

This. She gets me.

Charlotte Underwood

Happy freaking 23rd birthday to me.

I guess nobody likes me now, huh? (Blink 182 reference)

I have no idea how I made it this far. I remember being so young and thinking my 20’s were a lifetime away. I actually said to my best friend, on my first day of high school “5 years is so long, urgh”. Fast forward to now and I left school 7 years ago, that’s freaking terrifying.

Here I am getting closer to 25, and soon I’ll be 30. I guess I really have to accept that I am an adult now? I’m not sure I am ready to do that, frankly.

To be truthful, I still feel like I am still a 14-year-old and the feeling of time passing, it makes me feel sick, like seasick. I’ve never been good with the who mortality thing.

I’m not a fan of…

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I just want to sleep for a week

While I’m pretty sure this is isolation, I wonder how much is anxiety OR something else. I am so tired. I want to stay in bed. Sleep for days. I am sitting at work after a day off. I am ready to sleep again. I mean..curl up and race ya to a coma kind of sleep. I often wonder where the chronic fatigue comes from. I mean..this cant be normal. Or . Can it?

I know its W R O N G.

I find myself missing you. Us. I KNOW that its long over. I love someone else. You still creep in my dreams far too often. It shakes me up. I don’t try to dream about you. I know I can’t control that …but wtf does it all mean ? #exhusband #dream #mentalhealth #recovery

Seriously Trumpkin?

So I’m sitting at work, and I’m catching up on my twitter. I’m seeing all the insanity known as that fucking orange monster gassing women and children seeking asylum from Mexico.

a·sy·lum/əˈsīləm/noun

1.the protection granted by a nation to someone who has left their native country as a political refugee.”she applied for asylum and was granted refugee status”

There is the definition for those of you in the back!

So, let’s just make this clear from the get go. I am a Canadian citizen.  In a million years I cannot fathom this ever happening if anti trumpkins wanted to seek asylum from him. This burns my ass. I can’t even be civil about it. Where in your god damn conscience is that ok?

BABIES! FUCKING BABIES!!!!! These mothers have left lord only knows to go to the “land of opportunity” doing it the right way (ASYLUM) and the man with the bad hair orders fucking tear gas!? 

I just got into a heated debate with an American/Cuban over this . SHE stands behind the administration. I’m going to assume she isn’t a mother at this point. This really gets my blood boiling. Saying “if you use your children as human shields you get what you asked for” IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE BECOME??? NEWSFLASH, shes a mother of 2. 

Her best rebuttal was calling me a self loathing gringa. That Im a white woman.

It instantly went to race.

ITS NOT ABOUT RACE

ITS ABOUT RIGHT AND WRONG.

THESE ARE BABIES.

My bloods boiling.

SHAME ON YOU.

Struggles. Happiness and Cereal

I’m currently working on getting my ass out of debt. I am doing my best to do my recovery steps. I’m doing my best to work on my marriage. I am doing my best to help my kid face find his first apartment. I am just doing my best. Some days I’m exhausted. Physically and emotionally. Seems to be just the part of life that’s the norm. 

While I could be grumpy,crabby and scrougie, I am not. I made myself listen to Christmas music on my way home from work this morning. It was snowing. It was FREEZING and I was determined to try to get into the spirit. I got home and my partner had strung up my ELF on the front door with a “GAME ON” post it. You see, we do a little competition every year. We attempt to out do each other.  I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!!! 😛

Well, while its nothing profound I just felt like writing a little something before things got crazy here.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.

My cereal and I are out! 

Does this Anxiety make my Ass look big?

First before I get going , Let me set the mood. I’m currently bundled up under a heavy donated blanket in the office of my job. It is ALWAYS freezing in here. I had a fabulous epiphany that I shared with my shift partner. Santa is going to buy me an electric throw blanket that I can use while sitting here when I do sit here..lol It’s become clear. I am truly a Princess. As if there was any doubt.

Now to clear my brain of any “stuff” that is floating around in there. Its been a crazy few days, Almost no sleep. Crazy weather.Anxiety. Parent visits. Kid face visits.  Lets start here. My spouse has suggested marriage counselling. After my 1st marriage I figure this is worth a shot. While we don’t have the worst marriage, we do have our issues. We have different ideas of intimacy. I take meds that can make my sex drive virtually non existent. Theirs is through the roof. They take my attitude about it all as if I don’t care ,or arent interested in them anymore. Its not that at all. I just have different ideas of intimacy now. I have had to.  I enjoy the closeness, touch, kisses ect. I need them just as much. I just have no real push for the rest of it. Previously it was insane as I was a heavy drinker. Before recovery I was virtually a “porn star” in the bedroom. I’m just not there right now.  I hate the idea that this piece of our relationship is missing. Its important to her. 

I think I will leave this blog where it is for now. 

Just needed to get that out.

I need a wee break.

Today I was given some good news. I was happy and able to breathe again.I have been holding onto a pretty serious health scare regarding my partner. It was making it hard to just stay in the moment.While waiting for results I was planning everything I needed to do. We needed to do.  I was scared but not. Weird? I think its mostly because I am used to just “starting over”. I wonder if that makes me crazy. Like, I don’t NEED anyone. I choose to want them.  I would get lonely, but loneliness never really bothered me. I’m a solitary person.

Anyway, She is ok. I even made her promise that she wasn’t lying to make me not worry. 

We also had to put her cat Casey down today. I called her BatCat and CatHat. She was chatty and purred up a storm. She was older. In the past week she had really declined. It sucks. I think of these things from a medical standpoint. Where as I can separate the  right things to do instead of the emotionally based ones. I don’t cry. I loved her, but I’m glad she isn’t suffering. Again. Might be crazy.

Heard from the bank.  I’m trying to get a debt consolidation loan.  Looks like I got rejected. Based on financial choices I made way way back. Probably during some of the stupid struggles I had in my youth. Unfortunately they don’t care about any of the situations that I was in.  I’ve been working really hard. it is what it is right? Dad’s still helping me as far as a budget ect.  I just hate feeling like a 14 yr old.  its not forever though. So, there’s that.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to have time to blog tonight. I needed to. I work in an emotionally charged job. I work with youth who have suffered some pretty significant traumas. I never know exactly what I am going to walk into or what may be happen through my shift. Tonight was a tough one.  I love what I do. I see what I do as being “the girl I needed when I was younger”. 

When I keep that in mind. I can stay strong. Do what I need to do.  Mind you, I cannot wait to go home in 3 hours. I need a hot bath, a cold diet Pepsi, a bite to eat, a nap and a huge hug.  I need a PJ day. A self care just do absolutely nothing kind of day. A NO ADULTING NEEDED day.

It looks like my blog style is going to be rambling…and I’m OK with that. It’s better than keeping it in. 

Until we meet again.