Sometimes I wanna give up too.

Since my seizure I get tired,forgetful,sore,woozy,weak ect…I havent slept the same since. Last night I woke up at 2am. I was in pain,just discomfort. Then couldnt get back to sleep. Today its my wifes birthday. She had a friend coming over for a visit and was finishing the floor. I went up to have a bath. I had to lay down as often that makes me dizzy. I go lay down,I fall asleep. Theyre down here hammering,sawing,laughing having fun. I come downstairs as her friend is leaving.

Instant attitude change.

Im a HUGE asshole for NOT staying downstairs with them.

So now her birthday has become all about me.

Shes angry and sulking.

She even said “I was tired and not feeling well yesterday but I went to my home group then your parents. *Note,my parents made her a bivlg birthday dinner,mom got her a cake.My mom even went to her favest resturaunt to get her ,her favest thing from there so she could bring it home.

Now wait…that was about me?

Im angry. Im tired of fighting about all of it.

Im bout ready to shove her ass out the door to a fucking alanon meeting.

Im NOT perfect

IM NOT THE SAME ANYMORE.

I did wake up and come down,clean the kitchen,make her a delicious dinner.

I can only do what I can do anymore.

Do I wanna drink?

Nope.

Do I want a break sometimes?

Yes.

Just a ramble.

Im angry,sad and pissy.

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I knew it would happen.

So, its finally happened. Didnt take long. Today its full on attitude about feeling unappreciated,no gratitude.

I slept in. Kid is staying here. Shes angry that there were dishes left from yesterday. His “pipe” was on the counter.(thats a no here even if its legal). I cant do as much since my seizures. So I say,no one asked you to do ALL of that laundry(kidfaces,hes moving) She said well ITS NOT SAFE. I said I can. She rolled her eyes and said yeah right.

Now,I feel like CRAP. For so many reasons.

I already feel uber useless.

This isnt helping.

I am capeable of doing only so much. I cant help that.

I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK.

MY INDEPENDENCE.

MY FREEDOM.

#recovery #Sicknotweak #frustrated #seizure

Being bitter sucks ass.

So,its been a minute. Im still off work. Still not allowed to drive. Im going off the rails with boredom. I MISS MY FREEDOM.

I tend to try to stay up to speed with events through twitter and insta. I read the news. Ya know what’s really bummin me out tho? WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS? Ya really find out who they are huh? Im bored stiff. Like to actual tears. I’m trying my very best to not slip into a depression. It would be super easy. This weather sure isnt helping. I’m finding myself EXTREMELY agitated about some things…

1:MAGAts. SERIOUSLY. Brainwashed full of selective hate and reasoning. It makes my head spin. So much intolerance and lack of compassion.

2: People with no gratitude. Its FREEZING OUT THERE. People are DYING alone. Freezing to death. We have buisness owners who refuse to let them inside to warm up. What IF that were you? Someone you loved? How come we forget to “treat others as we would want to be treated”? I dont understand. I mean NOTHING in life is guarenteed.NOTHING. Not your health,family,job,income,housing… NOTHING and yet every single day so many of us act like it wouldnt /couldnt happen to us.

Hey,Ohhhh yes it could. Believe me. It can.

Why is it so hard to help another HUMAN? Why? These people are someones child. If youre afraid,do it another way but for the love of Harold! DO SOMETHING!

3: JUST PLAIN “telling me what to do.”

-MY BODY MY CHOICE.

-MY HEART MY LOVE

-MY MOUTH MY CHOICE AS TO WHAT I PUT IN IT

I dont preach whether or not you should carry a baby. I dont preach whether or not you should shave your nuts. It is NONE OF MY BUISNESS.

I dont preach you love who I think you should. I dont preach you should marry who I think you should. ITS NONE OF MY BUISNESS.

I dont preach whether or not you should eat meat or not. WHY? ITS NONE OF MY BUISNESS.

I think if we just accepted each others right to have their own beliefs,choices and minded our own buisness on SIMPLE everyday things,life would be a nicer experience.

Can we all agree that there are BAD PEOPLE in every race,creed,religion,ect? It just is how it is. Its never changed. Unfortunately, fear and ignorance seems to have made some of us forget that.

My heart hurts today. Its heavy. So much anger. So much hate. So much entitlement. We are ALL human beings. We ALL BLEED the SAME colour.

Why does it matter who wears what,identifies as who,was born in another country,marries someone of the same sex,adopts children,tries to better their life in another country.

While youre all busy bitchin and moanin about all the things you hate…how bout you spend your time doing for others who arent so lucky. Feel free to trade places with them.

Didnt think so.

BE GRATEFUL. BE HUMBLE. BE KIND.

Rant over.

Its been a minute.

So right before Christmas,I had a seizure. It was a big one. I’ve never had one before. That one incident got my license suspended til Im medically cleared again. No license…no working. No working no pay cheque. Since that day Ive had mini symptoms. Weird random body twitches,numbness,serious headaches,dizzy spells and I walk funny apperently too.

Ive seen many dr,’s.Ive seen 2 at an Urgent TIA clinic,Catscan. Just had an MRI and see another Neurologist in Feb. Its now starting to do my head in. Im BORED. Im stressed(over money) . Im blue.

So. Thats that.

My Birthday Is A Reminder That I’ve Won Against My Mental Illness For Another Year

This. She gets me.

Charlotte Underwood

Happy freaking 23rd birthday to me.

I guess nobody likes me now, huh? (Blink 182 reference)

I have no idea how I made it this far. I remember being so young and thinking my 20’s were a lifetime away. I actually said to my best friend, on my first day of high school “5 years is so long, urgh”. Fast forward to now and I left school 7 years ago, that’s freaking terrifying.

Here I am getting closer to 25, and soon I’ll be 30. I guess I really have to accept that I am an adult now? I’m not sure I am ready to do that, frankly.

To be truthful, I still feel like I am still a 14-year-old and the feeling of time passing, it makes me feel sick, like seasick. I’ve never been good with the who mortality thing.

I’m not a fan of…

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I just want to sleep for a week

While I’m pretty sure this is isolation, I wonder how much is anxiety OR something else. I am so tired. I want to stay in bed. Sleep for days. I am sitting at work after a day off. I am ready to sleep again. I mean..curl up and race ya to a coma kind of sleep. I often wonder where the chronic fatigue comes from. I mean..this cant be normal. Or . Can it?