I know its W R O N G.

I find myself missing you. Us. I KNOW that its long over. I love someone else. You still creep in my dreams far too often. It shakes me up. I don’t try to dream about you. I know I can’t control that …but wtf does it all mean ? #exhusband #dream #mentalhealth #recovery


Seriously Trumpkin?

So I’m sitting at work, and I’m catching up on my twitter. I’m seeing all the insanity known as that fucking orange monster gassing women and children seeking asylum from Mexico.


1.the protection granted by a nation to someone who has left their native country as a political refugee.”she applied for asylum and was granted refugee status”

There is the definition for those of you in the back!

So, let’s just make this clear from the get go. I am a Canadian citizen.  In a million years I cannot fathom this ever happening if anti trumpkins wanted to seek asylum from him. This burns my ass. I can’t even be civil about it. Where in your god damn conscience is that ok?

BABIES! FUCKING BABIES!!!!! These mothers have left lord only knows to go to the “land of opportunity” doing it the right way (ASYLUM) and the man with the bad hair orders fucking tear gas!? 

I just got into a heated debate with an American/Cuban over this . SHE stands behind the administration. I’m going to assume she isn’t a mother at this point. This really gets my blood boiling. Saying “if you use your children as human shields you get what you asked for” IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE BECOME??? NEWSFLASH, shes a mother of 2. 

Her best rebuttal was calling me a self loathing gringa. That Im a white woman.

It instantly went to race.




My bloods boiling.


Struggles. Happiness and Cereal

I’m currently working on getting my ass out of debt. I am doing my best to do my recovery steps. I’m doing my best to work on my marriage. I am doing my best to help my kid face find his first apartment. I am just doing my best. Some days I’m exhausted. Physically and emotionally. Seems to be just the part of life that’s the norm. 

While I could be grumpy,crabby and scrougie, I am not. I made myself listen to Christmas music on my way home from work this morning. It was snowing. It was FREEZING and I was determined to try to get into the spirit. I got home and my partner had strung up my ELF on the front door with a “GAME ON” post it. You see, we do a little competition every year. We attempt to out do each other.  I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!!! 😛

Well, while its nothing profound I just felt like writing a little something before things got crazy here.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.

My cereal and I are out! 

Does this Anxiety make my Ass look big?

First before I get going , Let me set the mood. I’m currently bundled up under a heavy donated blanket in the office of my job. It is ALWAYS freezing in here. I had a fabulous epiphany that I shared with my shift partner. Santa is going to buy me an electric throw blanket that I can use while sitting here when I do sit here..lol It’s become clear. I am truly a Princess. As if there was any doubt.

Now to clear my brain of any “stuff” that is floating around in there. Its been a crazy few days, Almost no sleep. Crazy weather.Anxiety. Parent visits. Kid face visits.  Lets start here. My spouse has suggested marriage counselling. After my 1st marriage I figure this is worth a shot. While we don’t have the worst marriage, we do have our issues. We have different ideas of intimacy. I take meds that can make my sex drive virtually non existent. Theirs is through the roof. They take my attitude about it all as if I don’t care ,or arent interested in them anymore. Its not that at all. I just have different ideas of intimacy now. I have had to.  I enjoy the closeness, touch, kisses ect. I need them just as much. I just have no real push for the rest of it. Previously it was insane as I was a heavy drinker. Before recovery I was virtually a “porn star” in the bedroom. I’m just not there right now.  I hate the idea that this piece of our relationship is missing. Its important to her. 

I think I will leave this blog where it is for now. 

Just needed to get that out.

I need a wee break.

Today I was given some good news. I was happy and able to breathe again.I have been holding onto a pretty serious health scare regarding my partner. It was making it hard to just stay in the moment.While waiting for results I was planning everything I needed to do. We needed to do.  I was scared but not. Weird? I think its mostly because I am used to just “starting over”. I wonder if that makes me crazy. Like, I don’t NEED anyone. I choose to want them.  I would get lonely, but loneliness never really bothered me. I’m a solitary person.

Anyway, She is ok. I even made her promise that she wasn’t lying to make me not worry. 

We also had to put her cat Casey down today. I called her BatCat and CatHat. She was chatty and purred up a storm. She was older. In the past week she had really declined. It sucks. I think of these things from a medical standpoint. Where as I can separate the  right things to do instead of the emotionally based ones. I don’t cry. I loved her, but I’m glad she isn’t suffering. Again. Might be crazy.

Heard from the bank.  I’m trying to get a debt consolidation loan.  Looks like I got rejected. Based on financial choices I made way way back. Probably during some of the stupid struggles I had in my youth. Unfortunately they don’t care about any of the situations that I was in.  I’ve been working really hard. it is what it is right? Dad’s still helping me as far as a budget ect.  I just hate feeling like a 14 yr old.  its not forever though. So, there’s that.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to have time to blog tonight. I needed to. I work in an emotionally charged job. I work with youth who have suffered some pretty significant traumas. I never know exactly what I am going to walk into or what may be happen through my shift. Tonight was a tough one.  I love what I do. I see what I do as being “the girl I needed when I was younger”. 

When I keep that in mind. I can stay strong. Do what I need to do.  Mind you, I cannot wait to go home in 3 hours. I need a hot bath, a cold diet Pepsi, a bite to eat, a nap and a huge hug.  I need a PJ day. A self care just do absolutely nothing kind of day. A NO ADULTING NEEDED day.

It looks like my blog style is going to be rambling…and I’m OK with that. It’s better than keeping it in. 

Until we meet again.

I’m bout ready to climb in my Chai.

I’ve been at work since midnight last night and I feel like I haven’t slept a wink. I had a successful day yesterday with my dad. I’m almost afraid to get used to them. Ya see, my dad was an alcoholic my entire life. I don’t know him any other way. I remember very few good memories. I have a whole schwack of not so great ones. There was a lot of unpleasant stuff. Wake ups in the middle of the night to him yelling. Breaking stuff. Hollering at my mom. Just the ave alcoholic stuff, I suppose. It was my normal. Now, 3 years ago,before I even got sober (yup, I became an alcoholic too) he got gravely ill. Alcoholism was trying to kill him. I watched him get through it but man, was it scary. Truth is, had you asked me anytime up until that very day if I would have cried if he died. My answer would have been a simple one. No. Not for the reasons you would think. If you asked me today, I would tell you it would DEVASTATE me. You see, since my dad has been sober I have the gift of a father. The one I always NEEDED when I was a little girl.

I can call my dad for help with ANYTHING. I’m no longer fearful. Mind you I still have that teeny tiny part in my brain that makes me a smidge apprehensive. I couldn’t even ask my dad for help with homework,if he was home that is. now here I am. Just turned 45. I long for the company of my dad. He is hilarious. Witty. He has given my mom back the husband she first knew. He does fun things for her and with her. I am happy for her. I long gave up any resentments about the life she chose for us.

Whoa , let me reign things in a little bit. Long short is, Ive never had the chance or support to build my credit. My dad has offered AND followed through on helping me.  Its a crazy weird thing..but I like it. 

When I finally got sober and it stuck, I realized that Harold probably had a hand in my becoming an alcoholic. I was so filled with rage and hurt. I had ZERO compassion or understanding.






It’s Snowing!

I woke up last night to get ready for work and noticed it was snowing like a mofo! Now this isn’t a shocker as I do live in Canada. I guess I didn’t think I had to worry about it yet. This is my first snowfall working in a tiny town where I drive an hour from home in the middle of nowheresville. In the pitch black. Last night it was like driving to work in the beginning of a star wars movie. All I could think to myself was ” A long long time ago…” and also “PLEASE HAROLD (my god’s name) let the deer and other little critters remember the left right left rule”. I can barely see the road let alone a critter!

Already planning my overnight bag for when I’m stuck camping out in the city of nowheresville. Meds, socks, extra gitch,pjs. Comfies. Dry shampoo,deodorant annnnd diet pepsi ! In my profession, if the weather is bad we get ordered to stay. I’m ok with that as long as I have my supplies.

I am still really struggling with anxiety lately, I’m in recovery and I also think if I don’t make it out to a meeting I am being judged. Its not that I don’t want to go its that I don’t want to go…lol  Ya know? Everything in my body keeps me home,in the safe zone. I’m not worried about a relapse. I’m ok with all of that(not complaint just aware). I just dread all the people. Hugs,hand shakes and small talk. It sounds so offensive when I put it out like that, its not meant to. Its just the only way I can describe it. I sit in a room and feel like crawling out of my skin when I’m there in this state. It sounds crazy. I’m aware but its my reality. I fidget and cant relax. I sweat. I feel 876087607834567567  eyes watching me even when they aren’t. People mean well when they ask me about meetings I know they do, but every time I feel horrendous guilt.



Started back on twitter the other day. What a gong show that Trump is.

G O N G S H O W !

I bet some tool gets paid 908720576024895762456 dollars to monitor his tweets but can’t be arsed cause they are so ridiculous. COME TO THE DARK SIDE TWEET MONITOR!!

Surely, that person cant be that dense. I mean…then again , their employer is the Donald.

So far that is all I have for now.

The chronicles of a worry wart will be continued….